


artemis falls in love (a lot)

by stephcass (bisexualrey)



Series: on a bed of roses [1]
Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artemis deserves better, Artemis-centric, Artemis/Zatanna is endgame, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexuality, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M'gann/Conner is endgame, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, Underage Drinking, Wally/Dick is endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 01:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 16,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6932773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualrey/pseuds/stephcass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zatanna was Artemis Crock’s first, and last love.  But there were some people in between.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. like it's wine

**Author's Note:**

> (aka Artemis spirals)
> 
> this is about artemis and her life throughout the years, so various characters come in an out. even though it's finished, i'd still love to hear feedback and i'm working on a sequel at the moment.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis likes her almost immediately—it's hard not to. She's cute, and funny, and she can say almost anything backwards. They hang out a couple times, and by their first kiss, Artemis thinks she might be in love.

The first time they meet, Artemis is 15-years-old and not convinced love is real. She’s heard people say it: whisper it to each other in between bed sheets late at night when the world is too drunk to know better, but she’s never heard someone mean it. Her dad used to say he loved her, but she still has nightmares about his hands. Her sister said it once, but then she left and now she wears a mask and kills people. Artemis knows her life’s fucked up but it’s hard to imagine real love when your family is mostly super-villains.

  
Zatanna Zatara is 14, snarky, beautiful—and her laugh makes Artemis see stars. They’re hidden in the clouds at night, between the overcast and Artemis’s insistence that things aren’t supposed to be this good.

  
They text each other every day, and night, and during school, and sometimes when Batman drones on during mission debriefing. One time, Zatanna texts her a dick (Grayson) joke, and Wally steals her phone to read it out loud, and the four of them are grounded from the mission. Zatanna does some magic mind trick on Canary so they can sneak off. They end up on the beach of Happy Harbor, sipping orange juice like it’s wine, and Artemis briefly wonders if Zatanna has put a spell on her too. Then she scoffs at herself— _how cliché —_and turns to watch the frosted blue melt in Zatanna’s eyes.

  
“Sometimes I just miss him, you know?” She says, and Artemis nods. She does know—she knows a hell of a lot about missing people.

  
“I think about all the times he was supposed to be there for me. All the things we were supposed to say to each other. You just have someone in one moment, and then they're gone in the next, and I can't figure out how that makes any sense.”

  
Artemis leans into Zatanna, their hands clasped together like they belong there. She’s pretty sure the universe designed them to fit together.

  
“I'm angry, a lot,” she admits, squeezing tighter to steady herself, “about all the things that have happened to us. To me, to you. To Dick and M’gann and Conner and Kaldur and sometimes even Wally. But, when we’re together, I don't know,” Artemis sighs, her chin resting on Zatanna’s shoulder, “things are calmer. _You_ make me calmer.”

  
Zatanna pauses, lifting Artemis’s head to be level with her’s. Their breathing is heavy, but in sync and the coastal wind is just cold enough to hurt. Artemis would be dizzy if she wasn't held still by Zatanna’s hands and when they kiss —she's pretty sure her heart implodes in her chest.

  
She’s imagining them like gods, resting against the pallet of sky and melting into it, their fingers molasses and their lips woven together.

  
“I know we’re too young to say this but I think…I think I sorta love you, Z.”

  
And Zatanna grins, leans in until their noses touch, and whispers, “I love you too.”


	2. honey and roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re dating for months. Zatanna likes to make her flower crowns with magic and Artemis likes to show her the gayest episodes of Scooby Doo. And then? The sheets are cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mild drug reference

Every day after school, Zatanna and Artemis make out in a different room at Mount Justice. They started the tradition a couple months ago when Zatanna turned 15 and announced she wanted to kiss in every room in the mountain.  At first, it seemed doable but at this point, Artemis is pretty sure there are _infinite rooms._   Not that she’s complaining, like  _at all_ , but it’s starting to seem suspicious, like maybe Zatanna’s doing some magic spell so Artemis will never stop kissing her.

Afterwards, they find themselves on the beach, cuddled in blankets since it’s almost winter and watching the waves. Zatanna has a habit of making her flower crowns, all without touching actual flowers. Artemis knows it’s cheesy but she _loves_ watching her concentrate, how her fingers move effortlessly and how she creates art with just nature.  She always smells like roses and honey these days —sweet and strong.  Wally and Dick make fun of them: call them gross and coupley and tell Artemis she’s sappy, but they don’t mean it.

“I kinda think Velma from Scooby Doo is gay,” Zatanna mumbles, moving on from the flower crown, and beginning to braid strands of Artemis’s long, blonde hair.

“Velma’s gayer than I am!” Artemis laughs.  The two of them have taken up watching Scooby Doo together at night and cuddling. It helps them relax before Artemis has to go back to Gotham, and crime, and a mostly-empty apartment.

Zatanna grins, pushing some hair out of Artemis’s face and leaning down to kiss her.  They kiss openly, in front of the ocean and the sky and eventually the stars—because at 16 years old, Artemis thinks she might want to spend the rest of her life with this girl. And sure, that’s pretty ridiculous, she knows that, but she also knows that her world is warmer with Zatanna in it.

 

After finishing season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the two of them decide to get a cat together.  It’s not hard to argue for—after all, Conner has two pets at this point and Artemis jokingly calls Batman homophobic when he first discovers the kitten wandering around the mountain and gives them an infamous bat-glare.

Now everyone leaves them alone about it, except for Wally who makes pussy jokes a little too often and M’gann who adores her. Together, they decided to name her Daphne after Velma Dinkley’s girlfriend on Scooby Doo. It started as an inside joke but at this point, they watch it with all three of them cuddled up and make “how high are you?” jokes, pointing to various characters. Conner gets fed up with their laughing so late at night, and Artemis teases him that he’s just jealous him and M’gann aren’t the cutest couple in the mountain anymore.

They have a routine now during missions where Zatanna boosts Artemis into the air for a couple seconds at a time to get a better aim.  Kaldur praises them—it’s efficient and he’s glad to see more teamwork. More quietly, he tells Artemis he's glad to see them happy.

 

One night, after they’ve gone through their normal Friday routine, they fall asleep in Zatanna’s room, their limbs intertwined.  Artemis wakes up the next day, first panicking about being so late to come home ( _my mom probably thinks I’m half-dead!_ ), and then falling back onto the bed with a soft murmur of, “fuck it.”

The space next to her is unusually cold, so she checks the time—it’s past 10am, it’s not strange for Zatanna to have gotten up at 6 for training with Canary—so she brushes it off.

Wally takes one look at her boxers for PJ's and laughs, “nice shorts,” before returning to eating an entire box of cereal.

“Whatever baywatch,” she scoffs. “Have you seen Z?”

He shakes his head, his own red hair flopping in front of his eyes. Artemis to stays the night a lot but she can’t figure out why he’s here. She shrugs; it doesn’t matter to her anyways. She just wants to find Zatanna.

Wandering through the mountain some more, she checks all the usual hang-out spots and the gym, and eventually finds herself back in the kitchen with Wally. It wouldn’t be the biggest deal to not find Z, or Canary, or maybe a couple of them—but she can’t find anybody.

“How come this place is a freaking ghost town?” She asks, pulling up a chair. Wally's reading the paper, his eyes scanning it and flipping through the pages at super-speed. She rolls her eyes— _show off._

“There's nobody?” He grunts, turning to look at her.

“Not even Tornado.”

Wally pauses, thinking about it. “Did we miss a mission or something?”

“But they would’ve woken us up, stupid.”

“No need to be mean,” he says with a half-grin.

Artemis shrugs, opening the fridge to grab some yogurt. She’s torn between going home and waiting around to see if anybody shows up. The idea of hanging with Wally alone for that long?  She decides not to go with the latter.

Years later, when Artemis will remember that as the last time she saw her first love, she’ll daydream about resting a hand over where Zatanna had been, and smelling the sheets—with the rose-honey scent of her still fresh enough to taste.


	3. losing things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis can’t hear Klarion’s spell over the impact of the explosion-- in fact she can’t hear anything but an intense ringing followed by the heaviness of her own breath under the rubble. That’s the last thing she thinks before passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to rewrite this at some point, it's my least favorite chapter tbh so sorry about that. I promise it gets better.
> 
> tw: pretty mild violence, explosives

Getting into contact with Batman is the easiest part of their mission, which says something because he’s often out doing his whole Dark Knight thing and it isn’t unusual to go without seeing him for a couple days or more.

“We can’t find anybody,” Wally explains, “and she’s freaking out about it.”

“I’m not ‘freaking out!’” Artemis snaps, while Robin and Wally give each other one of those looks that says _sure_.

Besides Batman, Wally and her, Robin and Red Tornado (who had been off with Watch Tower duty) have joined them. Among the list of missing people is Zatanna, Conner, M’gann and Kaldur, as well as Black Canary. Honestly, Artemis thinks she has every right to be concerned.

Robin’s already checking the security footage, while Batman is bombarding them with questions, “when was the last time you saw them?”

“Last night.”

Wally nudges her suggestively and she elbows him back _hard_.

“At one point did you notice they were missing?”

“I think it was, like, what?” She turns to Wally, who shrugs, “ten am.”

“Did you notice any signs of a security breach-”

“Wait, shit.” Robin swears, interrupting, “take a look at this.”

They all crowd around the small screen, watching as Klarion the Witch Boy appears, covered in some form of toxic smoke. Zatanna, Canary and M’gann collapse almost immediately, and it takes mere seconds to knock Kaldur and Conner out with some spell Artemis doesn’t recognize. She starts to feel sick to her stomach.

“I’m confused, hasn’t Dr. Fate set up some sort of magic barrier around this place?” Wally asks, his eyebrows furrowing in anger.

“Theoretically, but with all the distractions lately, it’s possible Klarion was able to overpower them,” Batman explains calmly.

“Yeah-” Robin adds, “just because Fate defeated him once doesn’t mean they don’t have equal power.”

Batman nods, already calling the Justice League’s central power source. Quickly enlisting the help of Dr. Fate himself (much to Artemis’s reluctance, if it wasn’t crucial to the mission she’d object even further), they are able to detect traces of magic in Gotham City.

“Of all places, why would he go there?” Wally mutters, “that just seems stupid,”

“There is a possibility Klarion had assistance,” Tornado offers.

Robin and Artemis share a look, “and Gotham has no shortage of bad guys.”

“Which is a totally different level of bad, right?”

Artemis feels everything twist inside her, “definitely.”

 

Artemis and Wally race to change from civvies into their suits- an unfair race that normally she’d complain about--and meet Batman and Robin back at the zeta tubes.  The mission involves Batman, a rare occurrence which does nothing but add concern instead of relief to Artemis’s now building anxiety. They are able to track the specific warehouse Klarion (and probably the team) is in, which only gives off the feeling it’s a little too easy.

“There’s a chance this is a trap,” Batman explains, “which means we need to go in completely prepared.”

“Think of it as recon,” Robin continues for him.

By the time they arrive, they’ve established their roles. Batman is hanging back, hidden in the rafters of the building; Klarion is least likely to expect him since it was the team that was kidnapped, so he’ll only get involved if it becomes necessary. Wally is going to act as a distraction while Robin and Artemis sneak through the building. All four of them are wearing gas masks in case he pulls the same trick as before. After all, Klarion is full of them.

Artemis and Robin split up as soon as they get there, entering through a back window and slipping to different sides behind the crates. Klarion is visible as well as the team--each of them constricted in different ways. Conner is stuck in what looks to be metal bars laced with kryptonite, while Canary and Zatanna are out conscious, with bandanas tied around their mouths: smart. Too smart. Upon further inspection, they see M’gann and Kaldur surrounded by fire similar to the cage created by the Reds not more than a year ago.

Then Artemis and Robin both stop in their tracks.

“Holy-”

“Shit,” Artemis finishes over the comm. The _Joker_.

“KF wait-” Too late. He crashes through the front door, sliding clumsily just a couple feet from where the Joker stands. _C_ _ackling._

The shock gives the Joker just long enough to place Kid Flash into a headlock, slipping a knife into his gloved hands and up to Wally’s throat. Somewhat impulsively (okay, _a lot_ impulsively), Robin reveals himself, swinging from under the crates to knock the Joker out of the way with his boots. His legs are grabbed from underneath him, falling with a crack. Artemis flinches for him.

“Amazing performance by the one and only Boy Blunder,” Joker announces with mock-pride, slamming his heel into Robin’s stomach, then again into his ribs. Kid Flash tries to lunge forward but is thrown into a tighter grip under the knife.

“Thanks, I try,” Robin manages to cough out, his eyes flickering towards Artemis cautiously. She locks contact, contemplating her next step.

“Why won’t the last kiddy come out of the shadows,” the Joker taunts while Klarion sneers. _Great._

“We don’t bite,” he offers.

Artemis pauses, looking up to make eye contact from the still concealed Batman who nods. She steps forward, “speak for yourself.”

The Joker grins, “I like her. How come you aren’t this funny, bird boy?”

“You both have a bad sense of humor,” he chokes out, still on the floor with blood pooling around his lips.

“Well that wasn’t very nice,” Klarion snickers, taking his own shot at Robin’s currently crumpled form. Physical violence isn’t usually his thing, which means the situation needs to be dealt with before it escalates further.

All the commotion seems to awaken Zatanna, who groans softly.

“Look who’s come out to play,” Klarion laughs, aggravating Artemis. With Zatanna involved, it’s a whole new level of personal. Klarion slinks towards her, his cat wrapping around her legs.

“Get away from her!” Artemis yells out, drawing her bow to shoot at the cat. She remembers something Kent said about the cat manifesting as his tie to the earthly realm. It bounces off all too easily with a simple flick of Klarion’s wrist.

“Oh girl,” Klarion growls, “you are powerless to me.” She grinds her teeth, taking a step forward.

“Hey witch boy!” Conner calls out, startling everyone. Smart, Artemis thinks, pretending to be unconscious as a way to get the upper hand. In the half second of distraction he offers, she launches into a backflip, shooting at the ropes tied around Zatanna’s hands.

“Thanks babe,” Zatanna shouts over the noise, “ _eitnu kcalb yranac!_ ”

With Canary free, the team covers their ears, allowing her to screech--temporarily hindering the Joker’s grip on Kid Flash.

“ _Hsiugnitxe_ _eht erif dna eerf yobrepus_!” Zatanna continues, gathering some sort of ball of energy to shoot at Klarion. It’s times like this when Artemis fully understands the sheer power her girlfriend has over the rest of the team and over most villains they face.

Only--Klarion is a different story. He matches it effortlessly.

Aqualad and Miss Martian attack the Joker as Kid Flash scoops Robin into his arms, retreating to a safer place to treat his wounds. Artemis feels an immediate wave of relief over their escape.

It doesn’t last long however, as she’s knocked into the wall but an unseen force, pinning her down. Kaldur and Conner are knocked back too, and M’gann is slammed into the ceiling before falling forward. In an instant, the breath is sucked from Canary’s throat. Batman swings from the rafters in this moment, aiming a batarang for Klarion’s hands. It lodges itself into his grey skin, Klarion screeching.

The chaos is interrupted by a high pitched laugh. They freeze, staring at the object Joker now holds in his hands.

“Move, and it goes off,” he cackles. They pause, if anyone's crazy enough to do it...

Klarion's own laughter drowns out whatever Zatanna mutters, and that’s when Batman dives for the explosive. He manages to throw it towards the back of the building, splintering wood and throwing their bodies in different directions. Artemis can’t hear Klarion’s spell over the impact of the explosion--in fact she can’t hear anything but an intense ringing followed by the heaviness of her own breath under the rubble. That’s the last thing she thinks before passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to add I know the timeline is sort of messed up-- like Rocket would be here if I was accurate but I guess I'm not really sure how to add her in or any of the season two characters, so I'll work on it.


	4. pity-less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis crumples onto the mattress, dissolving into the comforter. She doesn’t even open her eyes as Daphne climbs on top of her, nuzzling between her arm and the pillow. She meows, softly, and that’s when Artemis finally breaks into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the start of that angst I promised
> 
> tw: brief mention of hospitals

Artemis feels hands on her, soft hands that she thinks are Zatanna’s until she opens her eyes and sees M’gann wrapping a bandage around her arm. At first, she’s relieved, but she also doesn’t understand why M’gann of all people would be responsible for medical aid considering she was in the explosion as well. That twisted gut feeling starts to come back: something is wrong.

“Wha-?”

“Shh,” M’gann murmurs, “don’t talk. You will be okay, but you are injured. You were the closest to the collision.”

Artemis lays her head back onto the table, studying her surroundings without moving too much. Dick is lying on a table next to her, stitches in his side but sitting up; Wally is slumped next to him in a chair, his knees pulled close; Conner stands a couple feet from M’gann, wrapping an arm around her waist; Kaldur-- she scans the room for Kaldur, spotting him in the hallway talking to Batman and Canary. She understands they’re in the medical bay back at the mountain. Everyone is somber, quieter than usual. Makes sense-- they were just in a pretty rough fight but…

“Where’s Zatanna?”

Silence. They all turn towards her, even Kaldur from across the room. Sympathy sinks into their eyes.

“Artemis…” M’gann’s tone is gentle, a pitch lower than usual.

“ _Where’s Zatanna?_ ” Artemis repeats, stronger this time.

Conner steps closer, “we don’t know.”

“What?” She knows her voice is hoarse-- that she’s coming off pathetic, _emotional_ , she knows that’s what they’re thinking but in this moment she can’t care.

“Klarion he-” It’s Wally who’s speaking now, his tongue seems thick like something’s stuck there, “he did some sort of spell in the effects of the explosion. The Joker was taken out by Batman but we couldn’t find any trace of Klarion or Zatanna in-” His voice trails off again.

“In _where_?” She demands, acid coating her throat.

“The dimension,” Dick coughs out, obviously emotional too, “in this dimension.”

She forces herself up now despite M’gann’s objection, standing on wobbly feet. “What does that even mean? We need to find her. NOW.”

“ _You_ need to sit down,” Batman commands, entering the room. Kaldur’s eyes reflect kindness, Canary’s pity. It seems like everything is pointed, jagged, everything and everyone in the room dangerous. She hasn’t felt this way since... she lived with her dad.

“I’m not sitting down until we find her!” Artemis tries to shout, but her legs collapse under her and Conner catches her just in time. “I’m not-” dizziness surrounds her, weaving itself between each corner of her head. She knows she’s going to pass out again. “We need to find-”

 

The next time she wakes up, there’s an IV attached to her arm. She’s been sedated-- _those bastards_. Ollie stands over her bed, his green eyes softening once they find her’s.

“Artemis, I need you to stay calm, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Why is Ollie here? Doesn’t he have better things to do than try to lie to his protege and tell her things will be okay when they _won’t_? Everything in her aches but she doesn’t care-- she just wants to find Zatanna. _She needs to find Zatanna_.

“Look-” Ollie starts to sit on her bedside but she pushes him off with her legs, fuming. “I know a lot has happened within the last couple days but-”

“ _Days?_ ” She can taste blood as she bites through her own tongue, “what do you mean _days?_ ”

“You were… out for a while.”

“Because you drugged me! Because you forced me to stay out of something that I should be involved in! I should’ve been working to find her!”

“Artemis. You’ve got to stop thinking we’re out to get you. Everyone on the team, and on the League wants to find her as much as--”

“Don’t you dare say as much as I do. The League has done nothing but _force_ her into training with the man that stole her dad!”

“Calm down.” His voice is still quiet, but more commanding. It works, for now, as she reluctantly settles back into the pillow. “We are working to find her. There’s nothing you could be doing anyways, this is beyond your--and my control. But we have people-”

“You mean Dr. Fate-”

“We enlisted the help of several magicians. There’s hope.”

The way his voice cracks, she can tell: there isn’t. At least Ollie doesn’t think so, and who knows how everyone else feels.

She takes a deep breath, “okay. So where are they at in the investigation?”

“They believe she’s alive,” he murmurs, his shoulders stiffening, “but… there’s no trace of her in this dimension.”

“I don’t understand-” she shakes her head, “that doesn’t mean anything to me. Where else could she be?”

“It’s complicated, I don’t think any of us fully get it. But just ‘cause we can’t find her doesn’t mean they can’t. Magicians shift between dimensions all the time-- don’t ask me how, but it’s possible.”

Artemis’s head throbs, and suddenly she feels nauseous. “When can I get off these drugs?”

Ollie sighs, “I don’t know. We just don’t want you going out and doing something reckless-- especially while you’re pretty injured.”

“I do reckless shit all the time-” Ollie almost smirks, “and I’m not going to. You can’t force me to stay here.”

“We aren’t.” Batman appears in the doorway, like a shadow (she understands where Dick gets it from), “you can go anytime you like. We’re simply encouraging that you stay in the mountain for the time being, where you’ll receive support. Black Canary is offering counseling and you’ll have your teammates to support you.”

Artemis doesn’t think she wants to be around anyone, but she nods anyways. It seems like any place is better than here, or her apartment where she’ll have nothing but her thoughts to enlist every possible tortuous scenario Zatanna could-

She removes the IV herself (Ollie cringes), and slowly get’s out of bed. She notices for the first time she’s in hospital scrubs-- _great_ \-- making a personal note to find a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in her room. Without giving them a second look, she storms out the door. Screw them and their condescending looks. And their magicians “working on it” and their sedatives and their therapy. She doesn’t need them.

 

When she gets to the living room, she spots M’gann anxiously baking her third batch of cookies. Wally is sitting, leaning against the counter and chewing what’s probably his tenth one. Kaldur hovers over them; Conner sits on the couch, petting Wolf; Dick is lying on the floor and pretending to be studying the ceiling. He notices her first, jumps up to come greet her with a hug, or something dumb like that. She pushes him away, scoffing.

“Hey,” he says quietly, ignoring her aggression, “feeling any better?”

“If I say yes will you all stop pitying me?”

Dick raises his hands in defense, “yeah. Who’s pitying? I am pity-less”

“Not the worst of your words,” Wally offers, slipping out of his chair to join them. “You guys wanna watch some TV? I don’t know about you but I could use the distraction.”

“I’ve still got to change,” Artemis gestures to the dark blue scrubs. She appreciates his attempt to be normal, but it’s not working. “But you go ahead.”

“We could easily wait-”

“Or talk, or something. If that would be-”

“No.” Artemis interrupts both of them, making stern eye contact. “I’m fine-- I’ll join you after.” Dick and Wally look skeptical, while M’gann continues to look concerned from the kitchen, so she turns away. She wishes they would just leave her alone.

Every step she takes in the hall makes her feel sicker. She can remember each kiss in each room-- some were softer, some were longer. In the trophy room, they made out for a solid 15 minutes until Conner banged against the wall in annoyance. In her room, the kiss was gentle, it lingered on her lips for hours afterwards-- both sweet and intoxicating. Artemis decides she can’t go to her room at all.

So… she finds herself in the only other room in the mountain she feels safe. She can’t believe it was just days ago she was here, wrapped under the blankets with Zatanna as the big spoon-- it feels like years. She longs for that warmth again, to smell roses, to not be so alone and overwhelmed and terrified.

In the closet, she slips on a pair of leggings she left here months ago. Sometimes their clothes got mixed up-- she wasn’t sure if that was a gay thing, or a Zatanna-and-Artemis thing, but she’s grateful for it now. Hanging up is one of Zatanna’s sweaters-- the comfiest and baggiest she owned. She almost never wore it outside of the bedroom because, “it ruins my aesthetic.” Artemis had thrown a pillow at her and called her “so extra.” Artemis tosses the scrubs against the wall, pulling the sweatshirt over her shoulders and sighing into it. Soaking into it-- still smelling of Zatanna.

Artemis crumples onto the mattress, dissolving into the comforter. She doesn’t even open her eyes as Daphne climbs on top of her, nuzzling between her arm and the pillow. She meows softly, and that’s when Artemis finally breaks into tears. And she cries, and cries, and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so damn fast-paced, plot is... not my thing
> 
> also I would just like to complain that my arthritis is killing me after the writing I did today. It was fun though, and I might upload another chapter tonight.


	5. figuratively (and literally) screwed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cola with the burnt-out taste/I'm the one you tell your fears to/there'll never be enough of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah! this chapter starts off a lot darker because artemis is going through some stuff, and includes consensual sex between two 17 year olds as well as underage drinking. please skip it if any of that sounds triggering to you, and I promise it'll get less intense in the following chapters. 
> 
> relationships: wally/artemis (hinted at dick/wally)

Artemis Crock is 17 years old, tipsy and begging him to be just a little rougher.  She never thought she’d be here, in bed with Wally West but hey, life just works like that. She wishes she was a little drunker to numb the pain but there’s no way Wally would’ve agreed to it. At least he has some shred of decency.

“Hey, don’t you wanna slow down just a little bit?” Wally whispers. “I don’t want you to rush into anything you don’t want to do.”

“How uncharacteristic of you,” Artemis whispers back, _cruel_.  She grinds against him, biting his neck and nearly drawing blood. He winces, but goes with it, his fingers trailing down her hip.

Wally tips an eyebrow, “I’ve never actually done this with a-”

“-’Nother person?” She teases, nothing but meanness in her voice.

“No,” he’s flustered as he pulls down her jeans, “a girl. I’ve never done this with a girl.”

She doesn’t pause, even if that surprises her. Thinking about it, she tries to brainstorm which guy he could be talking about. I mean, sure, he’s pretty close to Rob, but does that mean-?

“Wait,” she stops tugging at his belt, and looks up into his eyes, “are you with Dick?”

“No!” He scowls, the green tinted with more than anger, “just shut up and fuck me.”

She grins, glad they’re back on the same page, tearing his shirt off and absorbing his body with her’s. If there was music in tune with their hands, it would be _Buzzcut Season_. His fingertips singe on her collarbone, gripping her hip bone as he works his spirit down--red connected to his breath. They’re touching each other in places that Artemis’s never let a guy touch her before. In places only Zatanna’s touched.  

 _Cola with the burnt-out taste/I'm the one you tell your fears to/there'll never be enough of us._  

It runs through her mind as she touches him back. They feel tight and close and a little too sweaty until half way through, she’s crying. Oh god, how embarrassing is that? She’s got full on tears streaming down her face, trying to think of anything but Zatanna or how much this feels wrong.

He sees the tears and stops immediately. And sure, that’s what any decent person would do but she does appreciate it. He doesn’t ask questions--maybe because he gets it. Maybe he really does understand her.

He grabs her a pair of sweats from out of his closet, leads her gently after pulling some clothes on himself. She follows him blindly, sort of stumbling on their way to the couch. He leans into the cushions and she leans into him, and for a moment, she thinks she really could love Wally West. Someday, if things were just a little different. Only, they aren’t.

He flips through channels until they settle on Netflix and end up watching _how i met your mother_. She tells him he’s Barney, which he’s not even offended at, and she starts to miss Scooby Doo.

When they hear Dick’s footsteps, she knowingly turns towards Wally, straddling his lap and grinding softly. Their lips connect for long enough that Dick notices and backs out of the room. Artemis understands she just made one of her best friends jealous by making out with her other best friend, but she’s a little too tired to care.

She stands up only to grab whiskey from the cabinet (they hid it there during a team party a couple months ago), and instead of pouring it in a glass, she brings the whole thing so she doesn’t have to think about how much she’s drinking. Wally stares at it uncomfortably, but he doesn’t say anything. He only takes it away a couple episodes later, subtly enough that Artemis can pretend not to notice.

Cuddled together, she thinks she could fall asleep to his heartbeat, if it wasn’t pumping for someone else, but she can hardly blame him considering her mind’s on someone else too. There’s stars somewhere past the corners of the cave, and she wonders if they’re the same in every universe, in every world and dimension.

Because _Jesus_ , Artemis misses Zatanna.

_I remember when your head caught flame/it kissed your scalp and caressed your brain._

She falls asleep like that, on his lap with the whiskey somewhere on the table beside them--only to be woken up by Black Canary in the morning who gives them a condemning look. _Fuck her_ , Artemis thinks, even though Canary’s been nothing but kind to her. She doesn’t want anyone’s judgement. She just wants to be reckless and hung over and angry.

 

A couple days later, she arrives from the zeta tubes only to be met with the team standing around, waiting. She's already a little drunk, and Kaldur coughs uncomfortably, and Conner scowls at his own legs like they’ve personally betrayed him, and she understands.

“What is this, an intervention?” She’s laughing but it hurts. _She hates them_.

“You could say that,” Wally admits.

“We’re not trying to-” M’gann pauses, flying over to wrap her arms around Artemis’s shoulders. “We’re not trying to anger you. We just think you could use a little break from-”

Artemis doesn’t let them finish. She’s not going to sit around to be lectured by a bunch of people that _don’t understand_. She storms off, quickly zeta tubing back to Gotham. Maybe she’ll go find some assholes to beat up--maybe she’ll just go back to her mom’s apartment and drink some more. She can’t help but think Zatanna was usually the person to talk her out of these moods.

She hears Dick behind her in the alley, still in civvies and looking innocent enough. He raises his hands in surrender and she sighs, knowing she’s got to listen sometime or another. He’s relentless like that.

She slides into a kneeling position, leaning against the wet bricks. He sits next to her, ignoring the rain pounding against the street and splashing muddy water in their faces.

“Can we talk?” He asks, gentler than usual. She misses when people used to treat her like normal--before people put up with her bullshit.

“You’re going to talk either way so…” she slams her bow down too hard, “whatever.”

“Artemis,” he takes her hand, looking straight into her eyes like he’s about to say something profound-- “you’re acting like a dick.”

She bursts into laughter and he grins: there’s the kid she knows and loves.

“You’re one to talk, _Richard_.”

“Lamest joke ever,” he shoots back, “find some creativity.”

“It’s on my to-do list.” She feels herself calming down, the anger dissolving into something deeper inside of her. She waits a couple seconds, lets his shoulders ease before whispering, “I think… fuck. Maybe I just get like this because--because when I’m calm, that when I feel it most.” _Lonely._

He nods, resting his head back against the wall. “I know what you mean.”

“It’s been nearly a year and I still miss her everyday.” God, her voice is cracking and she can feel water pooling in her eyes.

Dick gives her the dignity of not reacting, but murmurs “it’ll get better, you know.”

“What a load of bullshit.” She rolls her eyes, anger rising again.

“Dude. I know what it’s like to lose people.” His face is somber, _sad_. “And I loved her too.”

She finally nods, “yeah.” They had been close--not as close as Artemis but still close. And how could anyone not miss her? She was everything. She was smart, and kind, and funny, and beautiful. And _gone_.

“So are you and Wally like, together?” Dick asks, and she smirks.

“Jealous I’m fucking your boyfriend?”

“He’s not my-”

“Don’t get flustered, bird boy. We’re not. We just hooked up a couple times, he’s a little too…”

“Wally?”

They both snicker, “yeah.”

After a while of sitting there, her back starts to hurt, but she doesn’t want to be alone either.

“You wanna come over to my place? We could have something to drink-” She rolls her eyes at the way he frowns, “I meant _tea_ dummy. And I don’t know. Chill? Watch old episodes of _Hello, Megan_.”

Dick laughs, and it sounds more genuine than before, “yeah, I’d like that.”

Her mom is already asleep by the time they get in (she’s gotten used to Artemis’s late nights), so they just sit on the couch under a blanket and keep the TV down low. She strips out of her soaking wet costume and into PJs, and Dick borrows some of her baggiest sweatpants (she’s going to make fun of him for it later.) Their feet touch (his are way too cold) but only every once in awhile. It’s nice to have someone touch her in a way that’s platonic. It’s nice just to be around someone she cares about--who cares about her.

Maybe things can be different; maybe she can be different.

“Hey Dick?” She murmurs sleepily.

“Hm?”

“Do you think like, I don’t know-- maybe somebody could help me not feel this way? Like, therapy or whatever.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles softly, “therapy or whatever. It helps.”

“Okay.” She sleeps better than she has in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so if you couldn't tell, I don't like spitfire? thanks for sticking with me though.


	6. girls like girls like boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis has since made it her mission to kiss every freckle on M’gann’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love missart!! this is basically a variety of fluffy one shots and a little crack about them so yeah, not a lot of plot development in this chapter.
> 
> also freckle kisses are the best?? wow. I'm really gay.

The first time they kiss, M’gann has tears streaking down her face. Her eyes are swollen and her nose is full of snot and she thinks she can’t possibly be cute in this moment. Artemis tells her she’s wrong, pulling her into those steady, tight hugs that only she knows how to give.

 **You know that’s what the team says about you** , M’gann tells her telepathically.

**What?**

**You’re a good hugger.**

**They do not.** Artemis scoffs, but continues to rub M’gann’s back.

M’gann chokes through tears into laughter. **They do!**

**Are you trying to tell me Conner, Kaldur, and Wally have said ‘wow Artemis is such a good hugger’ because I’m calling bullshit, M.**

M’gann pauses, and Artemis grins smugly. **That’s what I thought.**

“Well I certainly think so,” she whispers, pulling a strand of blonde out of Artemis’s face and leaning in. Artemis wraps her legs around M’gann’s waist as she floats, and they move like they’ll never have to touch the ground again.

 

Artemis has since made it her mission to kiss every freckle on M’gann’s body, which turns out to be a lot. Sometimes she’ll wake up in the morning next to her girlfriend, and notice she’s awake already (and probably has been for a while) but she’s just waiting for Artemis to wake up too. Those are the best times for kisses, because Artemis will turn over, and wrap her hands in M’gann’s, and kiss the freckles on her face.

When M’gann is green, her freckles are harder to find but Artemis always tells her that she’s beautiful in whatever form she’s in. M’gann grins.

The best thing about their kisses is how sweet M’gann tastes. Artemis remembers back when she was fifteen and first joined the team, how that was her first thought-- that this cute martian girl had to taste like candy, and bubblegum, and kittens.

“Morning, sweetheart,” Artemis mutters sleepily, and M’gann smiles.

“I never thought I’d hear you say that.”

Artemis blushes immediately, but M’gann leans down to kiss her cheek and whispers, “no. I like it.”

 

There’s a certain amount of perk that even on her best day, Artemis can not match. She certainly thinking this on her eighteenth birthday while awkwardly standing in nothing more than a baggy t-shirt and underwear in the kitchen while most of the Justice League stands in the living room, shouting “surprise!”

“Shit,” she swears under her breath, while Wally bursts out cackling. Most of them have the decency to look away, while her best friends give her enthusiastic thumbs up. She’ll tell them to fuck off later, when she’s… you know, wearing _clothes_.

M’gann quickly flies over, covering her in her sweatshirt, “oh my gosh, honey I’m so sorry I--”

 **Babe, it’s okay. It was a sweet idea**. Artemis says, skeptical of herself. She’s ducking behind the wall, heading to her room to throw on something more acceptable. Some part of her thinks about how she’s never actually had a birthday party before. So that’s another caring, thoughtful thing about M’gann.

A couple hours into the party, she’s feeling a little different about it. The thing is, she’s able to get over the humiliation part pretty easily (I mean, it kind of sucks that she’s now been mostly naked in front of _Batman_ but whatever: she'll deal); it’s the social interaction that’s exhausting. Apparently at parties, you're supposed to talk to  _every single person there_. At one point, Kaldur pulls her aside to ask if she's okay, and she nods warily. He's nods back.

M'gann bakes a chocolate cake with sharks decorating in-- Artemis is surprised she remembered. Sharks are her favorite animal, "they're lesbian dolphins." M'gann feeds it to her and they both end up laughing at the mess that makes. From the distance, she notices Ollie and Dinah smiling; they're happy she's doing better. Sometimes she's not so sure.

  

Having sex with a martian is-- fun. Artemis is about 10x more experimental than M’gann so when she suggests they do it while M’gann is in her white martian form-- M’gann doesn’t talk to her for a week.

 

When Artemis is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, M’gann sits in the therapist’s office (well it’s a board certified psychiatric nurse practitioner but who has time to say that), reading. She understands to ignore how swollen Artemis’s eyes are when she comes out-- listens to her swear and rant on the ride home.

“Who the fuck cares about labels anyways?”

M’gann nods softly, doesn’t disagree. She knows these are not the moods you should argue with her.

“I mean it was stupid anyways. Canary’s suggestion to go was stupid and now they want me to go to counseling! That’s just fucking ridiculous, I'm literally fucking fine.”

M’gann is the one to drive her to weekly therapy from now on.

 

Sometimes Artemis appreciates is how much of a cat person M’gann is. Okay-- so she’s an animal person, there’s not an animal alive she doesn’t love and puppies are probably her favorite, but she doesn’t ignore Daphne like the rest of the team. She picks her up, rubbing her chin and nuzzling her head, and Artemis always laughs.

“I love you,” she says without thinking about it.

M’gann pauses for only a moment, and Artemis remembers this is the first time she’s said it. But she smiles and dissolves into the words, “I love you too.” That night, they snuggle and watch cheesy 80s movies with Dick and Jason, and Artemis tries to ignore how M’gann keeps glancing at Conner. She never found out how they broke up-- she never asked, but she knows from experience there’s something particularly special about your first love. Because of that, she’s hardly jealous. Just a little lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay on the bipolar thing-- I really headcanon Art as bp and it's not that relevant to this story (a little bit, but not a ton), but it's pretty relevant to the sequel that I may or may not be writing.


	7. gin and tonic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She ends up in a bar she’s never been to before, ordering a gin and tonic she’s not sure she can pay for and flirting with some cute bartender who’s probably straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to break up missart for this story, but I'm writing a one shot for a friend to make up for it.
> 
> tw: underage drinking, creepy men, mild violence, depressive thoughts

Artemis walks away before she can see M’gann cry.

She can’t be in the cave, not when it’s always been M’gann’s home more than her’s--M’gann and _Conner’s_ home--and she’s pretty sure she doesn’t have a home because the apartment just makes her feel lonely too.

She drops by anyways to change into civvies, and peeks into her mom’s bedroom. She’s sleeping, peacefully, but the covers are half off so Artemis sneaks in anyways to pull them up. She touches the back of her hand to her face, murmurs some form of ‘love you, mom’ and closes the door quietly before ditching the place altogether.

Mentally, she checks off the places she can’t go. _The mountain, home, school..._

She ends up in a bar she’s never been to before, ordering a gin and tonic she’s not sure she can pay for and flirting with some cute bartender who’s probably straight. It’s Gotham, she’s not carded, but some part of her wishes she was because then maybe she’d find somewhere better to go. Somewhere safer, where she isn’t stuck wallowing in self-pity and destructive thoughts that scare her because they’re a little too real.

A guy pulls a stool out next to her, orders a pint smoothly like he’s been here a thousand times before and cocks his head when he checks out the same bartender Artemis has been flirting with. She scowls--straight guys are so _obvious_ about it, maybe because it’s acceptable for them to be into girls, safe for them, and for a moment she’s nauseously bitter because  _she’s never been safe_. Never in her life, whether it was with her abusive father, or having the privilege of constantly being shot at and captured by supervillains. She’s never been safe, and no one she’s loved has been safe and jesus christ, _that sucks_.

“Hey,” he says, turning towards her. She rolls her eyes, not turning back because this asshole clearly doesn’t deserve her attention. When he notices she’s ignoring him, he adds, “aren’t you a little young to be here, girly?”

 _Girly,_ it’s something her dad would say. A word made so demeaning by the tone, by the connotations when there’s nothing wrong with being a girl. Because Artemis _loves_ girls. She loves loving girls. And she’s sick and tired of guys getting in the way of that--stupid fucking men getting in the way of her love of girls.

So maybe this is about M’gann. Who cares?

“Don’t talk to me,” she growls back. He scratches his beard, she’s looking at him now and takes in some of his features just in case--he’s white, probably 6’ and maybe in his early 50’s. His hair is sandy and grey, his eyes are blue, but flat. He’s grinning at her in that cruel way like she’s his to take.

“Got an attitude, huh?” She wonders if this guy ever had a daughter; she wonders if he’s ever fallen in love with a girl; she wonders if he knows love at all. “I could change that.”

Zatanna would smirk in that angry way, mutter something along the lines of _you did not just threaten my girlfriend_ , and pull some magic spell Artemis wouldn’t fully understand to tie him up, or maybe turn him into a rat if she was feeling particularly creative. She misses the way Zatanna protected her loved ones. She misses feeling protected.

“You wanna take this outside?” She snaps. She doesn’t care at this point--willing to make a scene, but she’d prefer to do it in a place that’s dark. She’s always been better in the dark anyways.

He grins, kicking his chair to the side and follows her out like a dog, shoulders all hunched with his nose down.

“You’ve sure got a funny way of-” He doesn’t finish the sentence because she knocks his legs out from under him with her boot, throws a punch to his jaw that’ll leave a bruise for a while. She strides off, doesn’t look behind her. He’s not worth it.

It’s not until she’s halfway to the alley that she notices she’s even going there; it’s become such second nature. He’s already waiting there, leaning with his hand strumming against the bricks. When did he get so tall, so confident? She slides down to her knees, doesn’t bother saying hi.

“So I heard you and M’gann broke up,” Dick offers as a conversation starter. She grunts. “And you stink.”

“Oh I’m sorry, it’s just the alcohol,” she says cooly, provoking him back.

“Living it up in the city?”

She laughs, tears swelling in her eyes that she brushes away quickly. “My life’s screwed up and I don’t know how to handle it.”

“What’s so wrong about your life?” Dick asks, egging her on. “You go to a top notch private school, you fight crime on the side with a badass group of teammates, you applied to go to Stanford-”

“ _A_ _pplied._  Doesn’t mean I got in.”

“But you will.”

“Dick. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but there’s...fuck, I mean there’s some fundamental piece of me that’s messed up and because of it--nobody’s gonna care about me. They shouldn’t.”

“You don’t get to decide that for other people,” Dick murmurs, “you just push people away because you’re afraid of them leaving. They end up gone anyways, Art. It’s the same result.”

“I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed by some orphan with daddy issues-”

Dick just laughs, “that’s supposed to hurt? Dude, if anyone has the daddy issues here, it’s you.”

“So we both do, shut up.” He punches her shoulder and she hits back harder and they both smirk. “I beat up some loser earlier.”

“Really? I beat up Wally so I guess we’re equal.”

He walks her home even though she doesn’t need it--calls him condescending and threatens to kick his ass, but some part of her appreciates it. She thinks maybe she doesn’t have it so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh my angsty daughter. if you couldn't tell I really like the friendship between Dick and Artemis. also what are chapter titles??


	8. pack monkeys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally and Artemis are getting ready to go to Stanford.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of on a roll with this.
> 
> also: idk if you can tell but I'm kind of ignoring the whole "we don't share our identities bc we're batkids" thing. also dialogue heavy chapters are hard, so.. sorry for everything ever.
> 
> tw: food (they eat cake) ? i'm not sure if there's much tw for this chapter

After Wally and Artemis both get into Stanford, the team throws a party before they leave. Well-- the team meaning M’gann and Raquel, and Gar and Jason help with decorations. Things have been pretty good between Wally and Artemis so she’s pretty glad she’s going to school with one of her best friends. They’re even rooming together since it’s convenient with the whole superhero thing, although Wally’s been talking about giving that up all together.

“We’re so happy for you!” M’gann jumps, floating and a part of Artemis is glad she doesn’t have to deal with that level of perk anymore. Okay, so she’s a little lonely, _shut up._

“Thanks, M’gann,” Wally winks at her for old times sake and Artemis elbows him.

“Is this what college is gonna be? You trying to flirt with sorority girls and god forbid bringing them back to our room, so I’ll have to listen-”

“There are children present,” Dick interrupts, holding onto Jason’s shoulders, and fake whispers, “you _sinners_.”

Jason shakes him off and scowls, “I’m not a _kid_. They’re talking about sex.”

“Well I am!” Gar yells.

Artemis laughs, “sorry, Gar.”

“I suppose something more appropriate would be better discussed.” Kaldur could not look more exhausted.

“Yeah, like how the hell Wally got into Stanford.”

“Hey I’m smarter than you, _Rob._ ”

“It’s Nightwing, excuse you.”

“More like Night-” Wally pauses, “nah, I got nothing.”

When the smoke alarm goes off, Artemis mutters, “throw back thursday,” at the same time as M’gann yells “hello, Megan!” Dick and Wally snicker and for a moment it really is like old times. She brings out a little bit overdone but mostly edible cake, gingerbread because it’s Artemis’s favorite (she doesn't want to think about how M'gann remembered), and cuts Wally about half of it which he consumes in a minute. The rest of them sit around, trying smaller pieces and looking at old photo albums. Most of the pictures were either from various newspapers (which Batman was _not happy about_ ) or pictures of them all hanging out in civvies.

A couple of the photos have Zatanna in it--one from the first time they really hung out, back in Sophomore year when Artemis and Zatanna went off on Halloween and fought that one creep-- _Harm_ \--who murdered his own sister. Artemis gets chills thinking about it, then again as she remembers afterwards how they had comforted each other. It wasn’t more than a couple weeks later when they started dating.

Kaldur looks at her, and runs a hand down her arm softly. She appreciates the effort even if she doesn’t feel any better.

“So anyone down for helping us move?” Wally asks after a while, as M’gann stores the photo albums on the bookshelf next to all of his souvenirs.

Dick, hanging backwards on the couch that certainly doesn’t support his weight anymore, mutters, “yeah sure, we’ll be your pack-monkeys.”

“It’s pack-mules, you dork.”

“I am feeling personally attacked right now-”

Artemis clears her throat, “so anyone willing?”

“As fun as _that_ sounds, I think M’gann and I have a date.” Conner is holding onto her arm and dragging her in the direction of their bedrooms. Artemis scoffs, and tries to feel something other than jealousy.

“Yeah, well Little Wing here would love to help!”

Jason rolls his eyes at Dick, but shrugs, “I mean, sure.”

“I can _literally_ be a pack-mule if you want,” Gar offers.

Behind her, M’gann yells, “you will certainly _not._ ”

“You know I’m down,” Raquel says, smiling at Artemis with all of her teeth. She feels another pang of nostalgia: she’s going to miss them. As they leave, she takes one last look at the cave, her eyes lingering at the structure and the walls, the sofa and the training mats and the kitchen--and the _memories_. M’gann promised to take care of Daphne while she’s gone. Part of Artemis wonders if she’ll ever come back. Wally’s fingers find her’s and she feels steadier: she can do this. _They_ can do this. They’re ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a plot-heavy chapter. I originally planned this whole thing out but I'm sorta just going with it at this point. I'd still love to hear feedback!


	9. caring is creepy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally and Artemis are expert-kissers. Artemis figures since she sucks at everything else, maybe her amazing kissing makes up for it, and Wally’s just along for the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh spitfire. how you pain me.
> 
> tw: ment of sex (nothing explicit), quick ment of abuse

Wally and Artemis are expert-kissers. Artemis figures since she sucks at everything else, maybe her amazing kissing makes up for it, and Wally’s just along for the ride. At Stanford, they often find themselves in compromising positions--and although Wally’s a great student, with just one word, Artemis can get him to skip class.

She’s 19 years old, and maybe in love with the douche that used to drive her nuts.  It’s hard to say aloud, probably because of all their history. Artemis doesn’t think they’ll ever get closer than where they’re at right now: fuck-buddies who occasionally go out to dinner together, who pretend to not hear when one of them will whisper ‘I love you’s’ into the sheets at night after a particularly good run at each other. Everything’s a competition and Artemis is 90% sure she’s losing, but at least it’s fun.

The only thing that complicates things is the fact that they’re both in love with other people. And I mean, fine, they don’t have to acknowledge it but they both know it. It isn't that Art thinks you can't love multiple people, she has before. It's just, well--Wally _loves_ Dick and she's just this secondary thing. She’s only there because he can't have him, because she's efficient, convenient--she's hot and he's good at fucking and they're both lonely as hell.  And no matter what he says or how well they kiss, he's never going to mean half as much as she did.

“She’s gone, you know,” Wally once mutters when he thinks she can't hear him. She has to stop herself from decking him--she’s seen enough relationships built on violence to know she doesn’t want one. But she spins around, glaring sharp enough to kill.

“What?”

He pauses, stuck because he's too arrogant to lie. “I just...  _shit_ Artemis, I just don't understand why you're so caught up on her. It's been _three years_. You need to move on.”

“Says the guy who's too fucking scared of his own bisexuality to admit his _obvious feelings for his best friend._ Honestly Wally, it's _pathetic._ ” 

They scowl, storm away from each other and don't talk for the next couple days. Kissing isn't as fun after that.

When she leaves as Tigress, Artemis can tell it’s the end of them. Sure, they haven't broken up but they aren't together either. It's weird, this silent agreement they have that they'll sort things out when she gets back. They don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah sorry I keep the spitfire chapters kinda short... tbh I headcanon her as a lesbian so it's kinda weird writing any stories where she's with a guy but she's bi in this so.


	10. sedated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can't feel anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so this got darker than I intended.
> 
> tw: major character death (obviously), self harm, dissociation

She’s not sure where the lighter came from, or how she got here but she’s holding it against her thumb. It sizzles, she pulls it away. If it hurts, she can’t feel it. She can’t feel anything.

She can still see the way Nightwing’s shoulders sank like he was going to dissolve right then and there. She can still hear M’gann’s tears, Bart’s sharp intake of breath, Barry’s chest against her when he pulled her into a hug. She can still taste vomit burning against her throat until she wasn't sure if she’d ever eat again. She can still smell the cold keystone air as Wally’s mom cried, and cried, and cried. She can’t feel anything.

It’s Roy who takes the lighter from her hands. She presses herself tighter against the couch in her sister’s apartment. Maybe it’s Lian who’s crying, maybe it’s her. She can’t feel anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have I mentioned that I'm still bitter about yj's ending?


	11. the wally west fan club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They spend hours comforting each other; Artemis coaxing Dick into eating food on the particularly rough days by bringing him Thai and sitting with him to make sure he finishes; Dick calling Artemis after missions to make sure she’s safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> relationship: traught (gotta love these yj ship names)
> 
> tw: discussion of death, alcohol, underage drinking, vomiting

The only person who misses Wally half as much as Dick is Artemis, which is how it starts. That’s pretty fucked up to think-- that their relationship starts with some dead guy they both loved, maybe one more than the other. The club for “we never told you the things we needed to.” Still, they spend hours comforting each other; Artemis coaxing Dick into eating food on the particularly rough days by bringing Thai and sitting with him to make sure he finishes; Dick calling Artemis after missions to make sure she’s safe. They’ve been best friends for years, so it’s not like their routines are out of the ordinary.

They kiss for the first time while she's still as Tigress, and he's just Dick. He gave up the superhero gig when Wally died, she took it up again. Different people deal with grief differently, she guessed. His lips are softer than she imagined and she can tell this is temporary. They'll always care about each other, but not like this. Not because Wally's gone, not because they're both lonely.

Artemis remembers how after Jason died, Artemis and Dick got drunk together for the first time. Bruce and him had just had a really intense fight; she didn’t know the specifics but he had a black eye and they weren’t talking for a week afterwards.

She had been leaning against the brick wall in the alley next to the zeta tube disguised in a phone box: their spot. He found her sitting there with a bottle of whiskey (her personal poison of choice), and didn’t think twice before grabbing it, taking a drink and resting his head on the wall.

“So this sucks,” she said, and he laughed, somewhat hysterically until she noticed he was crying too.

She rested a hand on his knee, murmured, “you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He looked at the brown Gotham sky, blinked tears away, “but I should, right? That’s what everyone’s been saying: you need to talk through it.”

“Well fuck them, you don’t need to do anything.”

It was her turn to grab the bottle, tipping her head back and taking a longer gulp. Silently, they went back and forth for awhile, till she couldn’t see straight and he was slurring his words.

“I just miss him already, you know? It’s not like I’ve never lost somebody before.” His voice was thick and heavy and spinning.

“He was just a kid.”

“He was _my_ kid. My kid brother, fuck... I didn’t protect him. I wasn’t even there to protect him.”

“Yeah,” Artemis swallowed something in her throat, “I get that feeling.”

Dick clutched the whiskey in one of his hands, gesturing with the other, “look at us-- a bunch of drunk bastards.”

“Speak for yourself, bird-boy. I’m doin just peachy.”

He grinned. And faded into something less than a grin.

“Your sister. My parents. Zatanna. Jason,” he shook his head, “jesus, Art, when did we get so good at losing people?”

“A talent of our’s.”

After another hour of letting the rain soak through their clothing, Artemis decided it was time to sober up.

“I shouldn’t bring you home, huh, Rob,” she muttered mostly to herself. He was pretty close to being totally out of it.

At 17, he was a little too big to carry outright, so she went under his shoulders and dragged him to the zeta tube. They left nothing but the whiskey behind. When they got to the cave, she was relieved to see no one around. It was past midnight, most of them were asleep or gone for the night. He groaned as she set him on the couch, then curled up and passed out.

“Kid’s not great at holding his alcohol,” she mumbled with no intention of anyone listening.

“Of course he’s not,” she heard a hiss behind her, whipping around to see Wally standing with his arms crossed and feet spread apart, planted into the ground. “He’s not some teenage drunk like you.”

“Ouch, baywatch,” she muttered, too tired to fight back.

“Goddamnit Artemis, I’m not kidding around here. He needs help, not to get wasted.” Wally looked fierce, and angry, and she briefly wondered what it felt like to have someone care about you that much.

“You’d be surprised how much it helps.”

He scowled, spitting, “you’ve been stuck on the same person for years, but yeah sure, it’s helping a ton.”

“Don’t.” Her voice cracked, and she pulled out a chair to sit before she fell over. “Don’t bring her into this.”

“You’re selfish, you know that? Fucking selfish.”

“So I’ve heard.”

She couldn’t do this-- be lectured by one of her best friends. She knew it was wrong, she knew she was wrong in just about everything she did. “Look, Wally. I’m trying to help him-- to take care of him.”

“Stay away from him,” he growled back, “you don’t know how to take care of anybody. You can't even take care of yourself.”

The next morning, she held Dick's shoulders and rubbed his back as he puked the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Wally brought them both orange juice, leaned into the doorway and they made eye contact. He looked softer, apologized with just his bright eyes. They both loved him, that was for sure.

 

“God, Wally.” She mutters, leaning against the wall with her eyes scanning the statue. “I really have been trying to take care of him... like you would. But what if I’m just making him worse? Fuck, I mean you were right: I make _everything_ worse.”

She imagines him smirking at her, saying “well you’re not wrong.” She’d elbow him, and he’d say something nicer after that, like, “he needs somebody. Even if you’re a little rough around the edges, you’re trying.” She _is_ trying, right? She gets drunk that night and decides maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're more of a brotp for me but I love these two.


	12. movie night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night must’ve been M’gann’s idea at first, but Bart is really into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka mostly fluff except I'm a lot better at angst.

Movie night must’ve been M’gann’s idea at first, but Bart is really into it.

“This is totally vintage,” he’s babbling about _The Hunger Games_. Artemis rolls her eyes whenever someone compares her to Katniss. She can’t tell if it’s a compliment or insult.

“This is unrealistic,” Tim says, “not only is the character development weak at best when it comes to establishing how she’s supposed to actually win against the careers with no training or physical strength, but there’s no way she would’ve survived so dehydrated: she should have died days ago.” Cassie and Virgil take turns chucking popcorn at him while Dick smiles proudly.

Artemis throws her legs over his lap, pretends not to notice the team staring. To them, it looks like Wally’s girlfriend and best friend are hooking up after he died. She doesn’t think it’s worth explaining how it’s a little more complicated. After all, maybe it’s not.

Jaime elbows Bart every time he takes the bag of chicken whizzies from him, Bart smiles back innocently. She feels wary even looking at them--they’re so much like Dick and Wally and they don’t even know it. She glances at Dick, wonders if he's noticed it too.

By the time they’ve marathoned all four movies, the freshmen have passed out in various positions on the floor. M’gann scoops Gar into her arms, flies him to a bed somewhere. The rest of the team’s not that kind as Karen and Artemis suppress laughs. Cassie’s sprawled out, whereas Tim is taking up as little space as humanly possible. Virgil’s lying on an actual chair; Bart and Jaime are somewhat dogpiled on top of each other.

“Tim hasn’t slept in four days,” Dick chuckles, “so I’m not gonna wake him up.”

They zeta to Gotham together, as Artemis traces shapes into the palm of his hand. In the alley, they turn to face each other and he grabs waist as she wraps her arms around his neck. Their kiss tastes like rain, and a dissatisfaction of whatever they have.

“You gonna be okay with Bruce tonight?” she asks softly. They haven't gotten along since Jason’s death.

He shrugs, “I’ll be okay.”

“You can come over if you want.” She’s been staying with her mom, taking the semester off.

“Nah, Alfred will worry.” They both smirk. “But maybe you could come over to my place?”

She nods, and they head there together. They hold hands in front of Bruce and some part of her wonders what she is to him, maybe a tool. Maybe some proof that unlike Bruce, Dick can love through loss. Artemis isn’t convinced so she doubts Bruce is.

They curl up together, Dick as the big spoon because he gets claustrophobic, and she gives little kisses to his hands while he plays with her hair. She wakes up in the morning to a panic attack when the sheets next to her are cold, he runs upstairs and helps her remember to breathe--whispers “I’m here, it’s okay, I’m not leaving,” into her ear. She doesn’t believe him.


	13. season 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick is the first one to him, completely enveloping him in a bear hug that she didn’t think he was capable of until Wally’s coughing, “missed you too, dude, but I gotta breathe here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t really think I was gonna let Wally stay dead, did you? (cough @ cartoon network)

Dick is the first one to him, completely enveloping him in a bear hug that she didn’t think he was capable of until Wally’s coughing, “missed you too, dude, but I gotta breathe here.” When he pulls away, they stare into each other’s eyes and Artemis feels a pang of something between happiness for her best friends, and exhaustion of her own loneliness.

Bart tackles him from behind, interrupting whatever moment they were having, quickly followed by M’gann. He groans, but everyone’s grinning. Batman’s already bombarding him with questions, he laughs weakly, “nice to see you too, Bats.”

Artemis and him look at each other from a distance, something tense and hard to draw out stuck between them. Finally she says, “nice to see you again, Baywatch,” and then come the tears. They hug too, gentler with her head against his chest. She missed the way he breathed, somehow steady and too quick at the same time.

“I missed you,” he murmurs into her hair. She nods, using his shirt to wipe the water and snot from her face. Everything between them melts away, until there is just forgiveness and understanding of what’s to come. Artemis knows it’s cheesy, but she’s just glad he’s back.

He’s the first to pull away, “can we talk somewhere else?” She can feel everyone’s eyes on them as she nods again.

“Wally.” Her hands are trembling and she can’t think of what to say.

“Artemis.” He pauses straight back, examining the grey in her eyes. “God, I don’t know how to say this. I had a lot of time to think,” he half-laughs about something she’s not ready to joke about, “and I think… well, I know things were left sort of weird between us, and I was thinking about why, and-”

“I know.” She doesn’t know where he’s been, what he’s been thinking about, but she knows.

He lets out a sigh of relief, “I can’t believe you were right all along.”

“You can say that again.”

“Remind me not to.”

They share a grin, more solid than before, then she pushes on his chest in the direction of a man they both love, “go on. Go get the guy, so at least one of us gets some action around here.”

He waves a dismissing hand in her direction, and she continues the hybrid of laughing and crying. More than ever, she misses Zatanna. More than ever, she wishes she wasn’t alone.

A couple months later, Dick and Wally are engaged. She’s Wally’s best man, rolls her eyes at Tim from across the aisle as the grooms get all choked up. It’s the happiest any of them have felt in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay a couple of things: I'm sorry if this is rushed, I'll probably go back and edit it later. Also, I'm going to eventually write that birdflash wedding fic because I'm in love with them.
> 
> can you tell from the chapter title that I am a deeply bitter person.


	14. soft speak with a mean streak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You're right dad-- I’m not noble, not good: just existing,” she reasons to the air, her lips chapped as the November wind picks up. In other cities, fall means everything’s suspended in the colors of dying things, in Gotham-- it’s just drab, and soggy. Nothing dies because nothing is alive in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts, physical abuse ment, self harm ment
> 
> psh i don't project at all

Artemis stares at the object between her fingers and runs the knuckles of her left hand over all the different parts. It’s not that she’s never seen one before, _obviously_ , it’s just that she hasn’t held one since she was a kid. She remembers her father egging her on, how it felt aimed at a man’s chest. She didn’t know him, didn’t know what problem her father had with him, but his life was in her hands, and with one pull of a…

She’s seen one, she’s held one, but she’s never used one. She can remember the feeling of the gun against the back of _her_ head, how she fell to her knees and watched as her father raised it, shot it, something she couldn’t do so he did it for her.

“You think you can be noble, little girl?” He spit, watching her sister clean up what used to be a person. She felt too dizzy to respond. “Well you can’t. You can’t be noble, or good-- you don’t have it in you.”

Jade stitched her wound up; he wouldn’t look at her. Both of them were disgusted for different reasons and she was just there. _Existing_.

“You're right dad-- I’m not noble, not good: just existing,” she reasons to the air, her lips chapped as the November wind picks up. In other cities, fall means everything’s suspended in the colors of dying things, in Gotham-- it’s just drab, and soggy. Nothing dies because nothing is alive in the first place. She came here from Palo Alto for a reason.

And here she is, sitting on an apartment rooftop like she has before, holding a different object with the same intent as she's had before, lingering between existing and not existing-- a line she’s never really gotten a steady hold on. It’s her 21st birthday, and she’s skipping the party M’gann probably threw just to sit here feeling bad for herself. Artemis has a hundred weapons she can access, a thousand poisons, a million ways to die-- " _s_ _o many dumb ways to die_ ,” she sings to herself. None of it’s real.

In a different world, this would be the moment. She’d get her reunion with the love of her life; she’d hear Zatanna from a distance; they’d run into each other’s arms and kiss and she’d never look at a gun again. She’d never think about killing herself again. Only Artemis’s world is colder, and lonelier, and more bitter. Zatanna is not coming, and this is not the first, nor the last time Artemis will think about killing herself. She knows that.

Some part of her wonders if it’s it worth waiting around to see who will show up. Eventually Nightwing maybe, or Batman, or Batgirl, or Robin. Take your pick at Gotham vigilantes perhaps too willing to talk her down. She doesn’t need to be talked down, not right now.

“We’ve all thought about it,” she wants to tell someone-- _anyone_. “You can’t watch so many people die without wondering what it’s like.” But all of her friends have moved on, learned to be happy and she’s stuck in the same place. _Bipolar, an alcoholic, lonely for the same girl I lost years ago._ M’gann announced she was pregnant a couple weeks ago, and Wally and Dick’s one year anniversary is coming up next month. She doesn’t think she has another breath left in her, and it’s cold, and it’s tiring, and she’s drunk as hell.

Maybe she should wait anyways, wait for Zatanna or someone else. Wait for someone to dig her out a mess that’s probably hopeless anyways. She knows if they tried, they’d give up and then she’d just feel worse. It’s endless.

“I have two options,” she mutters as if somebody is listening, “I get this over with or I don’t.” One of those options is terrifying, and the other ends quick and fast and bloody. Only she’s seen what it looks like to clean up something that used to be a person. She doesn’t want to think about who’d be cleaning her up.

Artemis sets the gun down, and lies there for a while; using the cold air as a form of self harm that doesn’t involve scars. Her therapist told her that once, back before she gave up on going altogether, said that things could hurt without permanence. Maybe that applies to her too.

When she drags herself home via zeta tube, nobody’s waiting for her inside. The TV is still on from earlier, some newscaster going on about a disaster taken care of by the one and only Justice League. Normally, she'd crack a smile and remember how only a couple years ago, she ended up mostly naked in front of them because M'gann was a little too kind with the whole birthday thing. Normally, she'd feel nostalgic over her youth, and glad she got to spend it with people who loved her. Today, she is still too numb to feel anything. Crashing on the couch, she doesn’t move until Daphne aggressively meows at her in the morning.

“Yeah, yeah,” she mutters, scooping a bowl of kibble into her bowl. “I’m on it.” She wonders what Daphne would’ve done without her, thinks maybe it’s a good thing she stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so about the title: I've been thinking "cigarette daydreams" by cage the elephant fits this chapter/fic pretty well
> 
> "soft speak with a mean streak/nearly brought me to my knees"
> 
> I actually have a playlist for this story on my phone, and that song came on and felt pretty perfect.


	15. unbelievers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Until Artemis meets the Red Hood, she thinks she might be the angriest person in the world. She likes the sensation of being punched just to taste her own blood and she hasn’t loved a person in years. Things are motions-- the action of body against body, fighting a war with herself and always losing. But Jason...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only lowkey regret writing this...
> 
> tw: sex... sadness... angst... ahh

Until Artemis meets the Red Hood, she thinks she might be the angriest person in the world. She likes the sensation of being punched just to taste her own blood and she hasn’t loved a person in years. Things are motions-- the action of body against body, fighting a war with herself and always losing. But Jason...

They meet in one of her favorite bars, like any one night stand starts: with him ordering her a drink as she pretends not to see him. Artemis is already sizing him up, subtly like any other time; noticing the worn leather of his jacket and how his dark hair stands in tuffs. He takes up enough space to know what he’s doing, but not enough to be over 20. Artemis is smart at these things.

She pushes the cocktail away with a smirk, says, “I’m more of a whiskey girl myself.”

“Really?” He says with mock enthusiasm, “so much in common already.”

 _His voice_ , she turns to face this stranger-- his hair is shaggier than last time they saw each other, and his eyes are a couple of shades of green darker but...

“ _Jason_?”

He scowls like a kid who’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, turns away, “do I know you or something?”

“Or something.” She scoffs, fully facing him now, “we were on the,” lowers her voice, “team together. You know, the whole liberty-and-justice-and-sucking-at-recon team?”

He pauses with his bottom teeth on the glass and his eyes down, “Artemis.”

“Well yeah.” They stare at each other for a moment past awkward.

“So I’m back.” There’s still a smirk in his voice, but last time they saw each other, they had both been in high school, and now he’s here... a fully grown man with facial hair and one too many scars on his face, hands, who knows where else. She wonders what she looks like to him.

“Really? Could’ve fooled me.”

“Funny.” Everything rushes past them, perhaps curiosity winning out over any other conflicting emotions.

It’s her turn to order the drinks, and they talk about a whole lot of nothing. There’s not a lot of good times to reminisce about since they hardly knew each other before, and Artemis can tell the here and now’s a big no for conversational starters. They don’t make it past his hallway before their arms are around one another, hips and bodies and hands. Mouths. She thought she was the angriest, but Jason… he has issues. Everything in him burns, and his eyes are on fire. He’s not exactly cruel, but rushed enough that he might as well be. They fuck like it’s an emergency. They fuck like the world’s ending.

“That was,” she’s half-out of breath, half-ready to scream. She’s never felt so much energy in her and it’s both exhausting and mind-blowing, “great.”

Jason lets out a breath of air, quick and rushed, nodding.

“You might be as fucked up as me,” Artemis says quietly, as if telling him the news he’s been waiting for.

He chuckles without smiling, and says, “honey, you don’t even know.” She tries to remember what he was like, back when they were both in high school and he wasn’t, you know _dead_.

“Yeah? Doubt it, Little Wing.”

“Oh you _so_ don’t get to call me that.”

“Yeah, feels a little weird.” She pauses, wondering if she should ask the obvious question: have you seen Dick? Bruce? She wants to know how he’s doing even though they mean relatively nothing to each other. She wants to tell him about getting his brother drunk, how they cried.

“Call it a tie?”

He offers his hand, she grabs it and pulls herself on top. “Sure.” They both grin.

 

When she wakes up the next day, she’s covered in a thousand blankets. He must’ve kicked them onto her in the night, maybe it’s a PTSD thing. It doesn’t take her long to figure maybe he doesn’t like being trapped. She knows the feeling.

She walks around his kitchen in one of his T-shirts, makes herself coffee like she knows the place. It’s not like this is the first one night stand she’s had. Sure, things are a little different since they have a history, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get how this works.

“So-” she tries to say, leaning into his counter top and her mug.

He raises one dark eyebrow at her, “so.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t really been in this position before,” she really smiles for the first time since she’s met him.

“Fucked a murderer?”

Artemis full-out snorts, which surprisingly get’s a chuckle out of Jason, “fucked my ex-best friend’s undead brother.”

“Funny- that’s just what Roy said,” Jason teases.

“OH GOD,” she moans, burying her face in her hands. “Once again, I’m being compared to Roy motherfucking Harper.”

Jason eyes her for a moment, his green eyes tinted playfully before adding, “if it helps at all, you’re better.”

Artemis grins with her teeth, “oh, it helps.”

They sit there awhile, not saying much but watching the rain together. Neither makes much of a move to leave; Artemis thinks maybe they’re both lonely enough to enjoy the mutual silence. Jason and her are too much for each other, she knows that. But she likes him anyways.

“Friends?” She finally asks, rolling her head on her neck nonchalantly.

He smirks, and she notices he has tiny freckles covering the top of his nose down to his cheeks, “sure.”

She isn’t sure if she’s going to see him again after this, but she hopes so.  If for no other reason than because they both could use a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that feel when you write shit on halloween and it all comes out pretty depressing. jason and artemis are two of my favorite characters of all time but they both got... stuff to work out.
> 
> also i keep naming chapters after shitty indie rock songs


	16. poker and minions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lian is both cute and exhausting. She asks twenty questions a minute and doesn’t give Artemis time to answer a single one. She’s also a little too good at poker for a six year old (Artemis thinks she must’ve learned to cheat from Jade, or Roy… who knows).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I'm lowkey a huge fan of Artemis and Jade forgiving each other, and getting closer. I'll probably writes a fic about that at some point.
> 
> tw: disordered eating

When Jade asks her to babysit Lian, it’s the first time Artemis has left her apartment in over a week. She ran out of food a couple days ago sans tea and honey, and liquor of course, so she's pretty out of breath just walking here. Roy and Jade have been kind to her these past couple years, despite her obvious issues with both of them, and maybe for no other reason than deep down, they really are good parents. Roy gave up drugs, and Jade gave up the whole killing people gig, so Lian has it pretty good. Artemis reasons only part of that thought is sarcastic considering both her parents were villains for the better part of her childhood.

Lian is both cute and exhausting. She asks twenty questions a minute and doesn’t give Artemis time to answer a single one. She’s also a little too good at poker for a six year old (Artemis thinks she must’ve learned to cheat from Jade, or Roy… who knows). When Artemis makes her mac n cheese for dinner, she tries to eat a bowl too but stops halfway through when she gets nauseous. Lian tries to convince her that when Jade said 8:30 was her bedtime, she really meant 12:30; Artemis pretends to believe her, says they can watch one more movie (hey--she’s the cool aunt). She decides on minions-- _great_. Half way through, she passes out and Artemis carries her to bed, trying to ignore how she can barely make it, her arms a little too wobbly.

She’s curled on the couch when they get back, opening the door and entering silently. Jade wakes her up with a touch, she flinches.

“Jumpy much?”

“Sorry.”

“How’d it go?” Roy’s rolls his shoulder and sets a duffle bag of what's probably weapons on the table. Artemis just sort of assumes they’re out doing mostly good-guy stuff, she doesn’t usually ask.

Artemis smirks, “good. She was good.”

“She was not.” Roy’s smirking back. “Cheated you at poker, right?”

“So that was you. I was wondering.”

He looks proud, Jade rolls her eyes. It’s not until he leaves to get changed that she sits next to her, sizing her up.

“You haven’t been eating again,” she states calmly. Artemis shrugs. “Artemis. You need to get your shit together and start taking care of yourself.”

“I’m trying.”

“Bullshit.”

Okay, fine. So she isn’t.

“I don’t have any reason to,” Artemis mutters, drawing her knees to her chest.

Jade shakes her head, “that’s not enough. You don’t need a reason, you have to do it anyways.”

“Is that an order?”

Jade smiles with half her face, “yes. As your older sister I’m ordering you to buy yourself some damn groceries.” Artemis nods noncommittally.

Jade, or sometimes Roy, starts to get in the habit of bringing her food once a week. At some point, Artemis remembers she should’ve been evicted by now, but doesn’t question why she isn’t. So her sister’s taking care of her in the only way she knows how--that’s enough. It’s got to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing ?? well?? I don't know Her


	17. smog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They hang their legs over the side of the building, the Gotham smog collecting in the thick air. She doesn’t even glance at him, too lost in the city lights and distant skyline; she can remember when you could see the river from here, how things used to be clearer. Everything breathes around her, but it chokes and coughs and she tries to remember when a deep breath was just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to reiterate that plot is hard okay?

She hears it as a rumor—pathetic. She’s heard rumors a hundred times in the nine years since Zatanna's disappeared. All coming from selfish  _bastards_  too thirsty for attention: people who claim to have seen the infamous Zatanna Zatara, the witch-girl, all to get news coverage or maybe to meet Superman. Artemis is tired of them; she’s tired of getting her hopes up; she’s tired of all of it.

It’s sometime past midnight and “patrolling” is just an excuse to get out of her stuffy apartment. Even Daphne is too much right now. She can’t sleep because everything is cold and her skin feels raw and pacing is tiring, but she’s too restless to sit down. There’s something calming about looking out over a city she doesn’t trust but calls home anyways. When she graduated from Stanford, she came back here. Naturally. Nowhere else is so dark, so dreary, so lethal _._ In Gotham, everything has a rhythm, even in the senselessness of violence and crime.

It’s Nightwing who joins her on the roof, of course. Even through her drinking, and his grief over Jason, Wally, Bruce, _Damian_ , he’s always there. They’re good at being cold together, good at not crying and looking away at the right moments. Everything is sore, a blister she’s not sure how to heal but with him at least she can acknowledge it’s there. That it hurts.

They hang their legs over the side of the building, the Gotham smog collecting in the thick air. She doesn’t even glance at him, too lost in the city lights and distant skyline; she can remember when you could see the river from here, things used to be clearer. Everything breathes around her, but it chokes and coughs and she tries to remember when a deep breath was just that.

“Artemis.”

“It’s Tigress,” she tries to say, but it comes off weak at best.

“Tigress," he says quietly. “I was talking to Batman, and-”

“Don’t.”

“I’m not trying to rile you up, Art-”

“ _Tigress._ ”

He grabs her arm, forcing her to look at him now. Beyond the cowl, she tries to picture his bright blue eyes, but everyday they seem less bright. She doesn’t know if that’s him, or her. She doesn’t know anything.

“I think it might be for real this time, Art.”

She sighs, “it’s never for real. God, I’m not like you, Dick. I don’t get to see her again. Life isn’t fucking puppies and good times. The people I love aren’t coming back from the dead.”

“Who said she was dead? When did you ever believe she was dead?”

She runs a tired hand through the roots of her hair, “I don’t know. How could she not be?”

“She’s here. She’s back.”

“You know that?” She pushes herself into a standing position. Her legs are still shaky but she’s been eating better; she’s even been leaving the house a couple times a week as Tigress. “God, Dick I don’t need to hear another bullshit story about the teenage-witch returning from some far away dimension right in someone’s own backyard. Damnit!” She slams her fist into the nearest object without thinking about it, “I loved her! But she’s gone and I’ve accepted that, why can’t--”

“Artemis. She’s not.” There’s something about his tone—the breath leaves her body all at once, soaks into the smog.

“I don’t understand.”

“The League got intel that there was a girl in a hospital in Bialya. They’re flying out right now, and I think it’s for real this time.”

“Do they know…” she feels herself getting choked up, tries to suppress it, “do they know for sure it’s her?”

“She fits all the descriptions—physically, and she was speaking a language that the doctors there didn’t recognize. Batman thinks it was backwards English. I really think it’s her, Art.”

Nightwing is excited, insisting so passionately, and Artemis understands why but she doesn’t have the energy to be excited. She nods warily.

“Come with me to the Watchtower, we can see for ourselves,” he says, grinning.

She collects something in herself, something she hasn't acknowledged in a long time, "okay.”


	18. second love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis Crock meets the love of her life for the second time in the hospital, unconscious, and looking like hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik these chapters have been ridiculously short but yeah... plot... i don't know Her
> 
> tw: hospitals, description of sick person/scars/etc.

Artemis Crock meets the love of her life for the second time in the hospital, unconscious, and looking like hell. Next to her is Dick, with his hands rubbing against his chin and his elbows on his knees-- looking as stunned and sickened as she feels. It’s not that they aren’t glad, _God_ beyond glad, _ecstatic_ to see her, it’s just… she doesn’t look like her. She’s skinny, her cheekbones protruding out of her skin and her eyes hollow; and scarred, across her face in strokes, her stomach looks like it was torn apart not too long ago; and according to the doctors, she hasn’t woken up in days. They transferred her to a medical ward in the Watchtower, but she was initially found wandering in a Bialyian desert, dehydrated and delusional, mumbling in a language the doctors there didn’t recognize. Until now, Artemis had always hoped, prayed to the universe that Zatanna was still alive. In this moment, a part of her wishes she had died 9 years ago.

“Is she going to wake up?” Dick- Nightwing’s asking, more practical and drawn from his emotions than Artemis can manage.

Martian Manhunter pauses, “we don’t know. She’s sustained injuries that our technology cannot recognize, and therefore treat.”

“If she does,” Nightwing turns to face her, lying attached to machines in a mostly-windowed room across from them, “what can we do to help?”

“She’s likely experienced a lot of trauma. She may have developed dissociative amnesia, we can’t tell until she’s awake. The best thing for her is to be treated with compassion: there will be shock regardless of her mental or physical state.”

“How long has she been on earth?”

 _Pause._ “We don’t know.”

“Is there anyway of detecting where she’s been?”

 _Pause._ “Not that we’re aware of.”

Artemis covers her ears with her sleeves. She can’t listen to this anymore without snapping. Everything in the rom is spinning and the fluorescent lights are too much, and she can’t believe-

“Artemis.” Nightwing’s gently touching her forearm, “did you hear her?”

Wordlessly, she shakes her head.

“I think when she wakes up,” Canary’s voice is kind, “it would be best that someone she trusts is in the room.”

“Me?”

“Yes. If it sounds like too much, someone else could do it-”

“I could.”

“Nightwing could. But if you’re up for it-”

“Of course.” She’s almost angry that they’re asking like it’s some burden. _Of course she’ll be there._

“Artemis, she’s been through a lot. She might become violent, she might not know who you are.”

Artemis’s stomach twists, “I know who she is. It’s enough.”

Canary nods, and stands up from where she was kneeling. Nightwing’s staring at her, rubbing his fingers into her palm.

“No matter what, she loved you.”

Artemis swallows something heavy inside her chest, “I know.”

“I love you. We- Wally, M’gann, your mom, Jade, we-”

“Love me, I know.” She might’ve come across as resentful but instead it’s weak. She’s tired, adding, “I love you too.”


	19. learning to swim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zatanna swallows, stretches her long neck that Artemis used to kiss, her collarbone—Artemis feels glued to the floor; it’s like staring at an old photograph, only it’s breathing and moving and not a photograph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a lot to write! idk some of it kind of comes from my own experiences, but it was nice writing.

Artemis hasn’t left the Watchtower in three days. She also hasn’t showered or brushed her teeth, and she doesn’t sleep until Dick sneaks pills into her food (which she didn’t want to eat in the first place). Eventually, the thought occurs that her sort of girlfriend is going to wake up and she’ll be smelling like shit, so she takes a two minute shower and thinks of how impressive that is considering her hair volume. She uses Dick’s toothbrush (which is totally gross but he knows better than to say anything) and flosses until her gums bleed. She’s been hanging around, motionless for the most part, in various chairs by the med bay until Raquel carries her to her bed, and she falls asleep almost instantly despite earlier protests.

On the fourth day, Dick wakes her up and when she sees his eyes, she scrambles out of the blankets and throws on pants. She’s wearing Zatanna’s sweater (whose smell long left but once Jade left roses in her room, which helped) and her socks slip against the wooden floor to the point where Dick just picks her up altogether. For once, she doesn’t care that it’s patronizing. Her heart is in her throat, and she can’t breathe; she just wants to see her blue eyes, soft smile, searing scowl— _an_ _ything that belongs to her_.

The first thing Zatanna does is sit up. It’s strange, she’s been in a coma for the past week and she immediately sits up as soon as she sees Artemis, and tries to stand up until Canary puts a hand on her shoulder with a look perfectly balanced as stern but unaggressive. Zatanna is murmuring in a language Artemis doesn't know—it’s not magic, it’s something different altogether. It’s not until this moment that she fully understands how much they  _don't_  understand.

“It’s me. Artemis,” She takes a slow step while searching for a sign of approval. “You’re Zatanna. Zatanna Zatara, yeah?”

Zatanna swallows, stretches her long neck that Artemis used to kiss, her collarbone—Artemis feels glued to the floor; it’s like staring at an old photograph, only it’s breathing and moving and _not a photograph_. After a moment, she nods, her matted hair falling untucked from her ears, looking more human than animal for the first time since Artemis laid eyes on her again.

“We found you in the desert. Now you’re at the watchtower.” Artemis isn’t clear on the difference between being honest and overwhelming her with information. “You’re safe here.” Zatanna looks up for the first time, her cyan eyes locking straight into the grey of Artemis’s...

 

They were 15 and 16 when Zatanna dragged Artemis off to the beach of Happy Harbor for the millionth time, rambling about how she couldn’t wait to teach her to swim.

“I can swim just fine!” Artemis snapped, recounting all the times she was forced to take a dive while on a mission. She was still bitter about the whole getting mauled by an alligator thing.

“Sure." Zatanna’s cheeky grin spread across her face, “but not _well._ ”

Artemis scoffed and Zatanna ducked away as she grabbed for her arms. She stumbled backwards, giggling as Artemis lunged at her again, chasing her across the beach. Artemis tackled her from behind, pinning her arms down and kneeling over her lap with her knees digging into the sand.

“You may have powers witch-girl,” Artemis smirked as Zatanna struggled to pay attention, distracted with her girlfriend’s low-cut shirt, “but me and Rob can totally school the rest of you when you aren’t using them.”

“Darn,” Zatanna stuck her lip out in mock-sadness and rested her head back. “Artemis you’ve beat me. That’s it—I’m done for. Useless.” Artemis rolled her eyes, giving Zatanna enough time to push her hips forward, unhooking Artemis’s legs with her ankle then twisting under her forceps to roll on top. Grinning, she leaned in until her mouth was inches from Artemis’s ear. “You’re about as good at this as you are at swimming.”

“I-” Artemis blinked into Zatanna’s blue eyes—feeling warm, and young, and _very_ gay. She kissed Zatanna first, the perfect trick to turn the tides only it wasn’t anything but genuine; Zatanna’s tongue was soft as her hands trailed across her cheek and down her back.

(Needless to say, Artemis did not learn to swim that day.)

 

Artemis is the first to look away, blinking for a couple seconds longer than necessary. It feels like they’ve been staring at each other for hours _,_ but she guesses it's only been a few minutes. _You look so old,_ she longs to say, so Zatanna can smirk and say something along the lines of, _thanks babe,_ and she’ll know she isn’t old after all. _Prove us wrong_ , she wants to beg, _please prove me wrong._

“When are we?” Zatanna’s voice is hoarse and stiff and Artemis feels her heart pick up. It’s the first time she’s heard her girlfriend’s voice in nearly a decade, and she doesn’t know how to answer. Why does Zatanna even know to ask?

“Don’t worry about that yet,” Artemis swallows down bile inching up her throat. “Right now we should focus on your recovery.”

She grips the papery sheets—looking wilder than before. “Is this real? This isn’t another-”

Artemis reaches for her hands, squeezing them gently. Touching her again…her eyes start to water. “It’s real, I promise. I-" she wonders what kind of manipulation Zatanna’s been subjected to—they don’t know where she’s been but she wasn’t in this dimension, and as much as that confuses the hell out of Artemis, she knows it must’ve been torture. _What’s the opposite of torture?_ “...do you remember Daphne?”

Zatanna’s face distorts into a frown that Artemis can’t read so she continues, “we named her after the redhead on Scooby Doo. We used to binge-watch it together at night, alone.” She traces the lines in Zatanna’s palm, exactly how she remembers. “She was our cat. Batman didn’t approve but we joked-”

“-was homophobic,” Zatanna finishes weakly, seeming calmer than before but still confused and not quite lucid. “And flower crowns.”

“Yeah—you made me flower crowns. I always loved that.”

“You did?”

“Uh-huh,” Artemis brings her lips to Zatanna’s fingers, watching carefully to see if she flinches, “I did.”

Zatanna lets out a heavy breath, leans back into the mattress, “it’s real?"

“Yeah.” She can feel herself getting choked up and tries to push it back. “Totally real.”

“I don’t--” Zatanna’s eyebrows furrow again, “I don’t remember a lot of it.”

Artemis thinks of all the things she hasn’t said, all the moments that she never shared with anyone because they were just for the two of them. It gets heavy carrying memories around for someone who’s not there to remember—not living for them, but not letting them die either. “We were at Mt. Justice. With the team: worked as a covert team since the bad guys weren’t supposed to know about us, which they totally did but the public didn’t. Conner, M’gann, Kaldur, Wally, Dick-”

“What about us?” _Us —_having an ‘us’ again…everything suddenly feels so personal.

“You were the big spoon because I trusted you to protect me, you said it was an honor even if I didn’t need protecting. We protected-” Artemis voice cracks, she can’t do this. She can’t do this—she _can’t do this_. “Each other.” It hits her in a completely new way, like there was something buried she couldn’t quite pinpoint and all these years: it was guilt. _I didn’t protect you._

She signals Canary like they had agreed on, softly dropping Zatanna’s hands and stepping back. “I’m going to give you some space now, Dinah’s here and I’ll be only a couple rooms away if you need me-” A rush of cold air hits her the second she opens the door, she collapses once again into Dick’s arms, able to feel weak again.

“Hey,” he sets her on the nearest couch and her legs curl beneath her, “I’m proud of you. That was a lot.”

She can’t hear anything but Zatanna’s breath, vulnerable, her _eyes._ She nods, buries her face into the pillows and cries.


	20. those to come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, you know that?” Zatanna’s blue eyes, that have been looking greyer every day, thaw in the sunlight peaking through the curtains; her bare skin is warm on Artemis’s cold hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter!! this takes place a couple months after the previous chapter. also the title is based on the shins song, idk i was thinking about it with the whole morning routine thing.

Artemis wakes up at six every morning, gently rolls out of bed, pulls socks on her feet and a sweater over her head, and pads down the hall to their kitchen. At first, she wasn’t used to being so quiet about it-- thoughtful in how she moves so she won’t wake Zatanna up. It had been years since she had someone to be quiet for. She’s getting good at it now, slipping into a routine isn’t hard when she had daydreamed about it so much along the way.

Not all of it’s daydream worthy. Sure, the mundaneness of it’s nice-- Daphne meows at her as a reminder to feed her, and she knows how Zatanna likes her tea (peppermint, hot enough to burn your tongue with four seconds of honey). She loves hearing Zatanna’s footsteps on the creaky wood, her sleepy yawn and how she pulls her thick hair into a messy bun like it’s second-nature; but Artemis only gets up so early because she still has nightmares of cold sheets, and speaking of nightmares-- Zatanna has them almost every night. Mostly, she wakes up sucking breath from the air like her lungs aren’t working, her skin is cold, and her eyes are huge but she’s frozen to the mattress. Only some of the time she wakes up screaming. And jesus, Artemis still doesn’t know what to do, besides watch helplessly until it’s over.

So, shit is hard: they’re working on it. Artemis is on new meds, and Zatanna’s seeing a real therapist for her PTSD. They still don’t know all that she’s been through, but it’s a lot. Zatanna doesn’t talk about it, and Artemis knows not to push. Maybe that’s another thing that makes them good together, or maybe they’re just too afraid of upsetting each other.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter. Artemis thinks this when Zatanna comes from behind her, wraps her arms around her waist and kisses her neck. When Artemis turns around to hand Zatanna her tea, she spills it a little and Zatanna smiles.

“Your clumsiness hasn’t changed.”

Artemis scoffs, “I’ll have you know, I have great eye-hand coordination.”

“Of course,” Zatanna grins even wider, weaving her fingers through Artemis’s hair, “great eyes, and hands.”

Rolling her eyes, Artemis pulls Zatanna to the table, laughing as she falls onto her lap. Everything feels so natural today. It’s a good day-- they’re learning to speak for the good days without recounting all the bad ones. Even when there’s a lot to recount.

“I love you, you know that?” Zatanna’s blue eyes, that have been looking greyer every day, thaw in the sunlight peaking through the curtains; her bare skin is warm on Artemis’s cold hands.

And Artemis grins, and leans in close until their noses touch, and whispers, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pumped to be done ('done' aka i'll probably go back and edit it like a thousand times), mostly so i can start working on the sequel. it's going to be more about their recoveries, but none of that ableist shit where they magically cure each other through love. you can support someone but you can't cure them. idk why i'm rambling about this-- just seriously: thanks to everyone who's read this, and left sweet comments, writing it has been really nice and helped me get back into the habit of writing at all.


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